Overhaulin'

How to be a better husband to a Filipina spouse?

Looking for a response from a Filipina or Flipina and caucasin couple regarding some of these issue or a reference book to better understand dealing with issues with a filipina wife. I love my wife and I have been honest with her regarding some changes when we left Germany to return to the US. I was very proactive in preparing to bring her back to the US and her son from the Philippines. My wife has done great things for her and her family. This is more than I would have ever done. She is a great person and hard working I have had issues regarding my Frankiness/honesty which sometimes is to hard for wife to handle. Its been regarding money, planning for the future and her relationship with her son and his issues. How to deal with financial issues regarding saving for the future and current expenses (have used fact based, visual expenditures to explain) I have not succeded. Future financial issues for her son that he will need and want (I helped but does not understand things like he would want a car, driving school and other things) I planned for it but she needed to prepare as well. Understand this family is first not the family in the Philipines (She has paid for things over 7 years still which she has paid for a home) I have no problem but with in reason. I feel no more than $100 a month is plenty!) Standing up to her teenage son who has really upset me regarding his behavior to his mother, school and lack financial responsibilities. I am selling the his car because he has not been appreciative nor cooperative and bought another car with no money. Please note we have a loving relationship but I would like a mentor/advisor to better understand her and communicate better so it does not upset her and she understands. She seems very hard headed! I feel that I have done my part and I told her we would have to share in some household expenses which are very low for her. They total less than a car payment ($299) because they are bills that need to be paid. I bought her son a car to get him started in order for him to develop financial responsibility. My job helped in more free school grants for more education for my wife and I gave her money to pay her bills before leaving Germany. So I have been doing my responsibilities. I want to communicate better! I would like to know how to do this better.

Public Comments

1. Don't let her pull this, tell her you have to share expenses, and that is that. Do not go into debt buying a car for a kid who won't know how to handle it, will cost you in legal fees, insurance. Forget culture for a second. I smell someone that is using you. Big time. Son, you are getting played like a Stradivarius. Money issues must be dealt with.,sorry chicka but this is marriage. Don't be used or fool, the gal is using you for a bank.
2. I found that it helped a lot to understand what is expected of Filipino husbands and fathers. As foreigners, we sometimes get a reputation for being pushovers- and it's human nature to take advantage of this. If they try something they could not get over on a Filipino man, don't let it get over on you. I also maintain very good relations with my wife's family ($100 a month, plus $20 or so for good report cards for kids back in the provinces is fine). Any nonsense, it's easy enough to get her mother or father on the phone and sort it out- remember they lose face if their daughter is not a good wife and fails to show delicadeza.
3. i don't see any problem with you but i can definitely see that there's something wrong with your wife and her kid. talking to your wife with the whole "hon, we need to talk" approach and spreading and showing all the bills in front of her would never work. actually, i think this would never work not only to filipinas but to all women as well because this will only gravitate to the idea that there is a problem and this will cause more strain for both of you. another would be being frank with your wife because most women are not receptive in facing hard facts. most women are not receptive to change so that's why they are often times stubborn. if they feel comfortable the way things are, then its almost impossible for them to listen. that's why its so hard for them to foresee things. talking about foreseeing and planning, most of them make their decisions by their intuition so that's why it's so hard for them to make long term structured plans. yes they have plans but they're so unstructured that they all seem just based on impulse. how about this approach for a change. like one night, before you sleep, talk to her about how its so hard for you seeing her carrying all the burden of her family and her son. like helping her to realize that there is something wrong and not simply telling her that there's something wrong. and for her family in the philippines, now that she already helped them a lot, help her see that maybe its about time for them help themselves <except her parents, i think, coz they will be too old too help themselves>. help her see that its not fair for her that she's doing all the work and THEY are just sitting there waiting something from her. help her see that you have a new life now and things have already changed. help her see that helping her family TOO MUCH to alleviate homesickness isn't healthy for everyone. and about her son, this seems to be a very delicate issue. NEVER let her feel that you are upset about her son for whatever reason you may have. NEVER let her feel that that you feel like "ok, i think this is enough and i have done my part". instead, let her feel that you are concerned about her son too especially about his future. help her see that the way his son is acting now, his son won't be able to survive the world on his own< like a typical spoiled brat>. NEVER let her feel that its her fault that her son turned out to be like that. she probably knows that already but is still on denial. i think the best way to handle spoiled brats is to set rules and limits and BE FIRM. these rules and limits should come from her and you should only be there to help her out decide. never let her feel that your dictating out thesse rules. and about doing yourself a favor, help her see that your human too and YOU are her husband and everything should be fair. its not right that you're paying all the bills for everyone. and this is very important: whenever you talk to her, always make it sound like you are concerned about everybody. there's no single way of doing it. maybe like comforting her or something like that.