Overhaulin'

What do you think of my short story? (its pretty short so it won't take long to read!)

Creases in Jeans They say when a Granma enters the door, discipline flies out the window but that is merely saying the least in my daughter’s household. When Gran comes to stay, tummies are filled with delicious home made cookies, beds are made and all stress vanishes, in fact so does the huge stacks of dishes along with the endless piles of laundry! You would think 20 years of parenting and my job is complete. Children- just one more thing ticked of on life’s shopping list. 20 years filled with smelly nappies, trips to the principals office and wild screaming matches with argumentative teenagers and my not-so-darling daughter is still putting her hands out for eternal favours. Theres no question about it, it is time for revenge. Why do grandparents get on so well with their grandkids? Simple, they share a common enemy. Today that enemy is going to face her biggest showdown yet. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The iron hissed like an angry snake as it slithered across the overly expensive pair of Levi boot leg jeans. My grand kids, shoulder to shoulder, kneeling on back of the couch, giggled eagerly as I folded the jeans. Carefully, I positioned them in a perfectly symmetrical square on top of of my daughter’s huge pile of ironed clothes.Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I joined my grand kids on the back of the couch, all eyes in the room fixed on the wall clock. “When mom gets home,” I instructed them, “Look normal and try not to laugh”. Of course I knew that was impossible, but where’s the fun in being a kid with out false expectations? Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Car wheels clattered over the pebbly driveway. My precious daughter had arrived home from her all-day shopping trip. The door handle creaked open. I twitched my hand upwards, and as we’d planned the children followed the signal and made to be busy. “Hi Mum” they chorused as she entered the room. I clung on to my walking stick, looking as frail as ever as the ice cold she gave to the pile of washing reflected around the room. She ran her long painted finger nail along the crease in the middle of the jeans. She then gave one of "those" looks that too fully appreciate you have to see with your own eyes. It was of bitter annoyance blanketed in complete helplessness. I knew when the corner of her lips twitched upwards and she gave me the classic put on smile, followed by the mumbled words “Thanks for the ironing Jan”, my role as grandma would never be abused again. It was official; plan “Creases in Jeans” was a success. Any constructive critisism?? Don't be afraid to be completly critical. It was for english and it only took me 45 minutes. Also how old would you expect the person who wrote it too be (me)? One more thing, I don't really like the "Tick tock" parts, can you think of anything to replace them. Thanks so much for all the help! Thanks so much! i mean ice cold glare

Public Comments

1. i fro one like it because u did this urself and it was an original. plus it is unique
2. wow you have a talent keep going at it girl! Its really good! once your done repost the story so i can read it, its really intruiging!
3. Hmmm... I'd put you at about 15. No offence if you're older, of course! It's definitely not a grandmother's voice talking, but it's still a fun story. The grandma's revenge! But, I would advise paragraphing a bit more... Maybe add a little to the story, too. It felt slightly rushed. Otherwise, it's great! Good luck with writing! :)
4. I like the story and it made me smile. In terms of constructive criticism it would benefit from a redraft. Some sentences could be rephrased for greater impact. Punctuation! Always proof read too, one or two mistakes.