Overhaulin'

how do I beome less selfish with my father in laws death?

My Father in law died this past June and all I have tried to be was supportive of my husband and listened when he needs to talk. I have been with him every weekend he was clearing his dads stuff out and supporting him with all the drama of the stepmom and his mom with life insurance and personal belonging issues.... I have been trying to do everything I can to keep kim happy in this very tough time for him. I took him out in a limo one night, basically have dropped my whole life to try and give what he needed. Yesterday was our 2 year wedding anniversery. This past weekend I surprised him with a (hoping to be romantic) weekend getaway and all he wanted to do was sit around, watch tv, and go shopping at sporting good stores even though we were at one of the most beautiful lakes and areas around. I let him do that, trying to just give him what he wanted again! Yesterday, I washed his classic car and dressed it up like it was on our weeding day so we could take it to dinner that I also surprised him with. It was at his moms so he didnt see it when he got home. When he got home, I had set up in the bedroom a cake that i had to look like our wedding cake, with rose petals and wine, and played our wedding song and asked him to dance. he stood there with a frown the whole time. At the end of the song, I asked what was wrong. He said the cake reminded him of his dad, cause his dad kept our top layer in his freezer for the 1st year.... I WANTED THE CAKE TO REMIND HIM OF ME AND OUR SUPPOSEDLY HAPPY MARRIAGE!!! So That was part 1. Then he takes of his uniform and puts on a collared shirt and jeans(he usually just wears tshirts)... I ask him why he is putting that shirt on. He tels me so he'll be ready when I take him to dinner... he never knew about dinner plans. no one knew. It was a surprise. He just expected I would!! So I blindfold him and put him in my car to take him to his moms to see his car.. The first thing he says is "oh theres water spots on the hood. The inside is a mess"... Um excuse me??? I spent an hour detailing it and dressing it up... Basically he didnt appreciate anything I did this whole week for him, and doesnt seem to realize I'm going through a hard time as well, dealing with his fathers death, him, and other family members additudes. I spent almost the whole day crying out loud in the car to myself cause I felt like I wasted all this time trying to make him happy and celebrate our anniversery. I'm frious that all he thinks about when he sees our wedding cake is his dad. Why am I so selfish and how can I understand the terrible feelings he seems to be having???? sorry this is so long! He refuses to go to counseling. I understand he must be going through a very hard time, I don't need my father to die to realize that. I just dont want to feel selfish and want him to think of me on our anniversery.

Public Comments

1. when your dad dies you'll understand i guess why he is so sad and depressed. quit expecting him to do a happy dance. he is grieving. that takes time.
2. Your husband is grieving. It takes time to get heal. So your anniversary isn't as important right now. What you may need to do is have a serious talk with your husband and see if he needs grief counseling for him and his mother. That would be something nice to give to them both. That means without you being their, something he can do on his own. I included his mother but not in his counseling session so may be he would be more accepting of counseling. We know how men get when they feel as though they don't need counseling. And don't question him about his counseling session if he does decide to do it. Let him heal. Also cut out all the extras of doing this and doing that. Be supportive and leave it at that. He will come around if you let him.
3. It sounds like you are doing everything right...all you can...sometimes it takes years to over come losing a parent specifically if they were very close...and I don't think you ever really get over it...My mom died almost 7 years ago and I still miss her and even cry sometimes...but the pain does get easier to deal with...just keep being a great wife and eventually he will begin to heal and come back to the world of the living
4. just when you think you are so marvelous about being there for him and how he should feel---bam--along comes real life. it is only now that it is sinking in his dad is not coming back. traditionally for decades there would be no celebrations for one full year after a loved one dies. people are breaking with that year of respect, but life cannot simply go on as it was, it will never be the same for him, he will change in some ways, there is no way he is excited about a wedding anniversary, and you have got to accept that. THIS is true mourning, when one can't feel joy, forget about yourself for his sake.
5. It's going to take time for him to get over the passing of his dad. When my husband's mom died, he couldn't even talk about her for the first 2 years. Only now, 3 years later, he is able to talk about her, smile, and be at peace. You must allow him time to grieve in his own way. Losing a parent is never easy. Just be supportive, keep the faith and hang in there. Your husband loves you, but right now his heart is hurting. Best thing you can do is simply be there for him.
6. You're not being selfish, look at all you did to cheer him up. There's no excuse for criticizing your detailing of the car, that was cruel and had nothing to do with his father. Give it a couple more months, and if he doesn't start coming out of it, suggest grievance counseling or grievance groups. If he wont go, you go to a counselor to find how to deal with this.