Overhaulin'

Need to change a phrase in my short story?

So heres the story... The Creased Jeans They say when a Granma enters the door, discipline flies out the window but that is merely saying the least in my daughter’s household. When Gran comes to stay, tummies are filled with delicious home made cookies, beds are made and all stress vanishes, in fact so does the huge stacks of dishes along with the endless piles of laundry! You would think 20 years of parenting and my job is complete. Children- just one more thing ticked of on life’s shopping list. 20 years filled with smelly nappies, trips to the principals office and wild screaming matches with argumentative teenagers and my not-so-darling daughter is still putting her hands out for eternal favours. Theres no question about it, it is time for revenge. Why do grandparents get on so well with their grandkids? Simple, they share a common enemy. Today that enemy is going to face her biggest showdown yet. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The iron hissed like an angry snake as it slithered across the overly expensive pair of Levi boot leg jeans. My grand kids, shoulder to shoulder, kneeling on back of the couch, giggled eagerly as I folded the jeans. Carefully, I positioned them in a perfectly symmetrical square on top of of my daughter’s huge pile of ironed clothes.Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I joined my grand kids on the back of the couch, all eyes in the room fixed on the wall clock. “When mom gets home,” I instructed them, “Look normal and try not to laugh”. Of course I knew that was impossible, but where’s the fun in being a kid with out false expectations? Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Car wheels clattered over the pebbly driveway. My precious daughter had arrived home from her all-day shopping trip. The door handle creaked open. I twitched my hand upwards, and as we’d planned the children followed the signal and made to be busy. “Hi Mum” they chorused as she entered the room. I clung on to my walking stick, looking as frail as ever as the ice cold stare she gave to the pile of washing reflected around the room. She ran her long painted finger nail along the crease in the middle of the jeans. She then gave one of "those" looks that too fully appreciate you have to see with your own eyes. It was of bitter annoyance blanketed in complete helplessness. I knew when the corner of her lips twitched upwards and she gave me the classic put on smile, followed by the mumbled words “Thanks for the ironing Jan”, my role as grandma would never be abused again. It was official; plan “Creases in Jeans” was a success. I showed the story to my teacher and she said the 'tick tock' parts detracted from the rest of the story as they sounded too cliche (i'm pretty sure thats cliche like something she'd read many times before. She said a catchy sentence or something else would be much better but i'm stuck for ideas. So yeah any ideas??? Also any other constructive critisism would be greatly appreciated?? Thanks so much!

Public Comments

1. I agree, all three tick tocks add nothing to the story.How about a simple declarative like, afternoon was wearing on. or, it was after lunch or getting on toward evening. With grandmas something homey would be good. Tick Tock sounds like a boss tapping his watch to tell you you're late. And the iron hissing like an angry snake....Is this a kids story? Kids nowadays watxh enough nature channel to know that snakes dont hiss. Maybe something about an old steam engine and grandma reminiscing about riding one as a kid. or watching her own grandma iron clothes. other than that, not too bad. If its a kids story you might think of shorter sentences. Read stuff by Daniel Pinkwater. Short, powerful, kid friendly sentences but the adults that read it like it too. Good stuff....keep it up.
2. How about counting down your time? I quickly drank my milk. 4 minutes left. Aware that time was running out, I shoved my shoes on. Still 4 minutes left...
3. Rose, shorten those sentences. This will solve fifty percent of your problems. Your sentences contain too many ideas. The reader gets lost. Avoid cliches. Avoid adjectives. Avoid referring specifically to the reader ("You"). The tick tock's aren't bad, believe it or not. As long as you use them to start shorter paragraphs. They'll help to build tension. Avoid passive writing. Irons don't slither over anything. People use irons in a manner that makes them slither over things. Avoid verbs that end in -ing. These words warn you that your nouns and/or verbs are wrong. They? Who's they? If they are never referred to again in the story, avoid they altogether. It's a cliche. Nobody wants to waste time reading about something "they" say. Some of your ideas are confusing. Children who kneel on the back of a couch? A grandparent who joins them? Huh? That must be some couch or else some grandma. Take for instance this sentence. "My grand kids, shoulder to shoulder, kneeling on back of the couch, giggled eagerly as I folded the jeans." Say what? Number one, way too many things going on there. My grand kids perch themselves atop the couch. They kneel shoulder to shoulder. And after I take a seat on the couch to fold the jeans, I catch the mischief in their giggles. (Paragraph break) Now that the ideas are broken up into edible bites, the overall idea you were trying to convey doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? Readers will look at your sentences, dismiss them, then dismiss your story altogether. Try again.