Overhaulin'

Living with a very sensitive mum.... any advice?

I'm a 25 year old independent guy, I work full time, pay housekeeping and run my own car. I moved back home just over a year ago after I split with my then girlfriend and a year before that my father sadly passed away. I get on well with my mum, but since I've met my current girlfriend, things have been very difficult. My mum doesn't have much family where we live and never bothered to make or keep many friends as she always had my dad, the fact that I don't have any brothers or sisters makes matters worse. Whenever I try and spend time with my gf, mum is always blowing up, telling me how I managed to screw up my last relationship and how this one will end (before it's even started!), which is very disheartening. Talking to her about it just ISN'T an option unfortunately, I've tried countless times to discuss (not argue, I hate arguments) with her why she feels the need to shoot me down all the time but it always ends in tears, her shouting and telling me how dad never treated her this way, how she doesn't need the stress and ends normally with her classic line "do what you like, I don't care anymore" attitude, which is pointless because I can't just go off and relax then, which I think she knows. Basically, I'm absolutely dreading the day I want to move out and re-start my own life! Part of me thinks "she won't make friends and I don't want to end up a 40-something loner when she's gone, I want to live my life", while the other part feels nothing but guilt and tries to be the good son. I feel trapped every way I turn. Sorry to go on for so long, but if anyone has any advice or is in a similar situation I'd love to hear from you.

Public Comments

1. Forget "sensitive" - replace it with "totally selfish" Your mom wants to keep you a prisoner until the day she dies simply because she has no friends. If you have pride and dignity, and the intention to live your own life as you want to live it, leave now. Aside from anything else, your girlfriend may well see you as a "mommy's boy" if you refuse to leave
2. The set up you describe is exactly the one that was made into a sitcom many many years ago. I'm not suggesting that you are Steptoe and Son (the writers based the situation on a mother and daughter couple they knew but changed them to males for the humour effect), but, you should be aware how much the older character manipulates and ruins the attempts by the son to build a life for himself. You are going to have to face this situation square on. You know perfectly well that you are going to 'upset' your mother.....well, it is up to her to build her life without you and you must not take responsibility for building her life for her. As they say, you have to be cruel to be kind.
3. I think your mum is still grieving the loss of your dad and doesn't know how to be alone. I think she probably found some solace and some security after you moved back with her. The new girlfriend is a threat to her- she might take you away and then she'll be back to being alone. You need to let your mum know that you will always be there for her, but you also have to live your life. Make special times to be available to your mum. Maybe take her to the movies. Let her know that you have room in your heart and in your life for her and your girlfriend. When she feels safe and secure, she will be more accepting of sharing you with your girlfriend.
4. I think your mom is still grieving for your dad and is replacing you in his shoes. She now sees you as her support you have come back home and she has now seen what she was missing and to loose this is like loosing your dad and you all over again hence her feelings towards any new relationship you have. ANY relationship she is going to see as a threat I am afraid and the only way round this is to reassure her you love her and are always going to be there for her. Simple things like telling her where you are what time you will be back helps a lot as you are giving her reassurance . She DOES care trust be she really cares she uses the words "Do what you want I do not care anymore" To do what it has already done make you feel guilty and worry!! Emotional blackmail i am afraid. It is hard as she has become dependable on you for a lot of things and loosing that is a huge threat. So all you can do is live your life how you want be firm and just tell her where you are going and what time you will be back I know at your age this sounds like being a child again but the simple things we forget as a younger person are normal what is needed to reassure our parents again. Very often as we grow old we forget so do our parents and also roles slightly reverse we become the adult looking out for them lol I do not mean to make a joke of it but it is truth I often feel with my own mom i am the parent and my daughter sometimes talks to me as if she is mine. If she throws your failed relationship in your face again just say we all learn from our mistakes and better we make them now before it is to late. You are a good son you would not have posted this question or be worried about her if you was not. You cant make her make friends she is who she is and just needs reassurance that what ever life you live she will be very much part of it as her biggest fear is being left alone again.
5. I'm a 61 year old single male, and I live alone in my own apartment. I have tried to keep in contact with my mum by telephone. But lately we always end up arguing. She also is widowed and lives alone in her own house in another state. I do not have a girlfriend, but I always try to talk to her about the Bible. I know it's different from your situation, but there are also common elements. It's the whole mother and son THING. I think the specifics almost don't matter. It's just the fact that the mums are alone and they want to hold on to their boys COME HELL OR HIGH WATER. Advice ? I really am at a loss. I do not believe that there is an easy fix. It will probably work itself out in time. I have really learned to take the Bible seriously. And I believe it has given me an edge when I do talk to her because she can no longer refute my arguments. The problem is that I have called her STUPID. Anyway she pretty much responded the way your mum did. She said she "doesn't give a sh_t." So that made me feel like she got me back and now we're even. The whole thing is just TORTURE for me. But I figure we'll get over it if we just don't talk to each other for a while. You may want to look at the source below. I always follow The Open Forum with host Mr. Harold Camping.
6. First of all, pack your bags and get out! Mom is on a HUGE pity trip and she's putting it all on you. (Or at least trying to). This is nothing more than a manipulative behavior to gain 'control' over you. She is doing this because you are back in her house. Let go of her - so she can LET GO OF YOU. You will be there for her as I sense you are a nurturing and loving and caring son. But you are only enabling this behavior. Your MOM needs to get a life, and she can't do that while you are under her roof. Get it? And - YOU can't get your own life while you are under her roof. She is trying to protect you from being hurt. - Or - is she trying to keep all to herself? Maybe both. Either way, the 'pity tripping' seems to be working as you feel guilt. What are you guilty of? My answer to you is - Nothing. I know she is your mom, and you love her. But you are a man now. It is time to leave the nest. Mom will be ok. I promise. She might even meet someone! Wouldn't that be nice. She's pulling the wool over your eyes honey. The only thing you should allow to pull - is 'pulling out'. :)
7. Oh boy. Poor you and your over anxious Mum. Mum has been too dependent on your Dad and must have found it hard to cope with everyday things on top of the bereavement. I know quite a few people like your mum trying to make sense of things after loss. I think you need to not be so available to her and start building your own future. Believe me as a child carer at 10 and also someone who has looked after elderly parents I know! It is all too easy being caring and find your life could have been some other way. Don't worry - I have seen and done lots so did not allow things to dominate my life too much, but it is easy to let others depend on you too much if you let them! Look at some interests she may have and take her along to a club or something associated with those. She may thank you or not depending on the experience. You have to break the loneliness cycle and her clinging to you. I hope your girlfriend can see just how things really are and you are not a Mums boy who will never leave home! You are a good son without a doubt, now find some time for you too!
8. You already know the answer to this and what you have to do, I think maybe you're just looking for a way to soften the blow for her and, sorry to say it, but there isn't one. You can only do so much and giving up your life for her is going above and beyond. You can't help her if she won't help herself, and so I think you should leave as soon as possible. As you go, say that you'll be there when she decides to talk and leave it at that - she can't rely on you forever and it's not fair to make you feel guilty.