Overhaulin'

Does my book have any potential? I am only 14 years old!?

Its about a family the mother killed herself when the found out their daughter had APL (Leukemia). This is a part when the Sophie ( cancer girl) is five years old, before her brother is born. The next few work days were better for Claiborne. As a routine schedule he would get up at six thirty a.m. and then he would eat breakfast and get dressed and head too work. Then he would arrive at work and he would schedule his lunch and break at the same time so he would get a longer lunch. Then he would proceed through the day as easily as he could. He would arrive home at six thirty and feed Lucille and Sophie, and then got to bed. This had become routine for Clay and he never broke this schedule. Except on weekends. That was when Sophie and Claiborne bonded. “Daddy” Asked Sophie one weekend. “Can I ask you a question?” “Sure, sweetie.” “When am I going to die?” She asked. Claiborne froze and could not think of what too say to his daughter. “You’re not going to die. I won’t let that happen.” “But daddy everyone dies.” “Yeah, but I’m not going to let you die before I die.” “Can you promise that?” “No” “Then you don’t know for sure.” She replied. Claiborne thought: Since when did Sophie get smart? “Well, sweetie, I don’t know the answers too everything.” “So you can’t promise me?” “Not yet, anyways, but maybe if your sickness cures I can then promise it.” Claiborne says with a smile. The grass they were lying on was dead and brown. They were lying in the meadow behind their house. It was absolutely beautiful. It was as big as two football fields, and trees grew all around the perimeter of the meadow. They often came her to talk and play. “Thanks, daddy” She said, hugging Clay. “Anytime, sweet heart.” He said. And with that, they got up and walked home together holding hands. Night time Claiborne had never been caught off guard, except for today. Why had she asked me if she was about to die? Could she sense death? Claiborne asked himself as he tried to get some sleep. Could in fact, Sophie be dying right now? If so I couldn’t stand to have two of them gone? These thoughts stayed within Clay’s head as he cried himself to sleep. Morning Clay awoke to the sound of birds chirping frantically and the sound of Lucille shutting off her 1987 red camaro. He looked out his window too see Lucille wearing her hair in a tight bun and her jeans and AC/DC shirt. Lucille had a thing for classic rock and old cars. Wow, she’s stuck in the 80’s! Clay thought too himself. Lucille walked to the front door and mounted the stairs. Our house was an old Victorian white house. When Sophie would be in the hospital for her leukemia she would tell people that she lived in “the dollhouse”. Clay skidded over to the closet where he saw that Lucille had ironed all his work clothes for him. Oh! Lucille you’re a life- saver! He thought too himself. He turned his head toward the door to see Lucille leaning against the hinges of his bedroom door. “Thanks so much for ironing my clothes, Lucille.” Clay thanked. “Your welcome.” She replied and walked down stairs to begin cooking our breakfast. Lucille and I would eat breakfast together, and then she would later cook Sophie breakfast. Clay pulled off his shirt and threw on his white work shirt and black sports coat and black pants. He actually seemed like going to work instead of grieving it. He had finally gotten over his wife to where if he thought about her he would not cry. This was better. Downstairs Lucille had a plate of eggs and grits waiting for Claiborne. As Claiborne rushed downstairs he could smell Lucille’s nice home-cooking. “Oh, Lucille thanks!” “Your welcome, Clay.” “So what are you and Sophie doing today?” Clay asked, as he took a seat at the table. “Um….well I was thinking of taking her to the zoo? If that’s okay with you?” She asked as she took a seat next to Claiborne. Claiborne’s face lit up. “Yes! That would be great! How about if I get off work and come along?” “Oh! She would be so excited.” Lucille said waving her hands in the air. “Okay, so what time?” “How about two?” “Sounds good to me.” Claiborne added. He glanced down at his watch and suddenly began to panic. “Oh gosh! I’m going to be late!” he said, slamming his fork onto the plate and rushing out the door. Claiborne is the dad. The mom has already killed herself and this is a few chapters into the book. Lucille is thier maid/ caretaker for Sophie while Clay is at work. :)

Public Comments

1. I like it. I dont particularly like claiborne but thats your choice
2. It wasn't good at all, there were a lot of grammatical mistakes and so on. I was too impatient to read the entire thing; and I'm 14, too, so I don't see why you should get any special treatment. Every writer is treated the same way, you should know that. And the last line 'oh gosh!' just made me think of a squealing fan-girl. You need to improve your writing; wait a few years and get some experience. There's no rush to start straight away, is there?
3. certainly interesting! you really caught my attention and even though you're 14-that's really good! Christopher Paolini was 15 when he started his Inheritence Series-Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, and one more to go. not too surprising, my friend writes stories too. so good luck! =)
4. Um, a bit to clarify, Clairborne is the mother and Clay is the father right? Who's Lucille? Why does she want to kill herself because her daughter has leukimia? If you fixed some of the grammer and plotholes, then it'll be better ~ EDIT: If the father was named Clairborne, Clay for short, then you should get rid of the name Clairborne. That's like naming a baby boy Emily.....
5. It's okay. It really is. It does have potential, but you need to check your grammar, and capitals, like: “Then you don’t know for sure.” She replied. The 'She' should be changed to 'she'. Then you need to check your commas/periods, like when you wrote “No” Also, don't keep the story like this (i.e.) "Mom?" asked Stacey. "Yeah, honey?" she replied. "Can I go to the mall?" "No." "Why?" "Finish your chores, first." "But--" "No buts, finish them." Don't just add in words in quotes, without saying something like "Sophie said" or "she said quietly" at the end. It makes it look like plain words, and sometimes the reader could get confused about who's talking, if they have a daydreaming mind, like me. Good luck, but edit it and work on it. Oh yeah, you change the perspective in it a bit. It went from "He thought" to "We walked down". It was third person, then first person?
6. I'm going to be quite frank with you: Some parts are really good, had me fairly intrigued. However, I don't really sense a hook in your writing, or to say, the ending doesn't leave me needing to know more. Individual parts are good but you need better transitions than "morning" "night". You're off to a great start though, just try to start incoorporating those kinds of things in.