Overhaulin'

My book! READ PLEAZ! little bit out of my book?

Please tell me whether it's good or bad and PLEAZ be honest! My little girl wrote it and she thinks its okay. Email me at candyeyed104@yahoo.com if you want to read the first FULL chapter:) It was raining. It was freezing and all I was doing was studying, under a tree with a poncho on. I was so focused that I didn’t even think about how worried Lem might be. Then the next thing I know was hearing car tires screech and a bunch of people honking horns. Then, it was all a blur. When I arrived at the house, I first smelled the dew. Its odor smelled like wet dog, but I least we had it here. April was getting things out of the car. June was still in the car, shaking because she was nervous. July was doing her hair and September was yelling at her phone. Now, the first thing you might get in your head when you read this is that they’re my siblings, my answer to that is no. They were my cousins, but not my legal guardian. So, there I was smelling the dew and hearing the wind and trying to adapt to this new place. The only problem was, I didn’t want to adapt as the old Tory, and I wanted to be a different Tory. I had chosen about everything possible you could think of. Clothes, movies, colors, you name it. I was no longer the pitiful, crybaby Tory. I was someone I admired. I was planning my new life since I boarded the plane and left Lem. As soon as I stepped on the plane, I drew out a red notebook and wrote down every detail about the old Tory. I scanned it, and then did the opposite. For example, if I liked chicken as the old Tory I would love turkey as the new Tory. I sat down by a man, he smelled of strong cologne. He was wearing a tuxedo, his hair was slicked back and he was reading an article about fancy hotel rooms and how expensive some are. It must’ve been boring to him, because there on that very plane he slept. He snored, and worst of all talked in his sleep. He kept whispering this word: efficient. He was wearing cowboy boots, but I assumed they were more comfortable than his black, shiny shoes. I looked at him like he was a crazy guy, and then listened to the airplane music. You could either choose between country, classic, rock, pop and hip-hop. The old Tory would’ve chosen classical music over rock any day, but I wasn’t her anymore. The old Tory might have been terrified of planes, but I was fearless. The last time I heard Lem would be the time I became the new Tory. So, as soon as I heard her say a final goodbye, I took a wonderful first breath. The air was smooth, and smelled of many odors. Before the plane told us to buckle up, I was all confused about wear to sit. Tory would never been confused, but I was. The people looked at my ticket and pointed to a seat and I sat down there. When the flight began, I had my headphones on and I was too focused into the music to realize we were lifting off the ground and going in the sky. I was so quick; I was the first one off. Even though I wondered what the guy in the suit was going, I went inside the airport and I saw four faces that looked at me. With their eyes completely serious, their mouth quivering and their feet wobbling, I felt like I was being examined. I walked very slowly to them and the first thing I asked them wasn’t who they were. “Do you have any five size shoes? These are giving me blisters,” I smiled and that’s how they knew me as Tory. I was a happy Tory. “Yeah! Their red, the color you like? Lem sent me a whole list of things you dislike and like,” The girl was the tallest out of the four. She was the most energetic and her shoes looked like a giant would easily fit in them. Her eyes were green and a little bit of blue, her hair golden brown, as crispy as a saltine cracker. Her teeth had braces, the color orange. Her fingernails were painted orange, and the bow in her hair matched it. Her jeans were the exact same brand I was wearing. Her necklace said, “sand” and her shirt was a plain white tee. It nearly killed me to see her wear that, because she would definitely look better wearing her pajamas

Public Comments

1. It is good, but it isn't toned enough, which basically means that it doesn't flow! Try making things lead into one another, and using better word choice. Like for example, Her eyes were green and a little bit of blue, say her eyes were an ecstatic shade of green with a finger paint touch of blue. Also check spelling! Good though, kept me interested, and I would love to see more!