Overhaulin'

Unconfortable about live-in arrangement with boyfriend?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years.I recently got divorced and through my 3 years separation my boyfriend was very emotionally supportive but finances between us was always a problem. From day one I felt that I paid for meals drinks . We work for the same company and even lunches were paid by me more than him. This concerned me a lot but because I love him so much I have let it pass even though my friends adviced to do something about it.Im 40, my boyfriend is 30. I have 2 kids, a daughter of 20 who works part time and doesnt earn much and a 11 yrs old son.Both live with me. When I sold the marital home and divorced I got some money to put towards a new home but because of the market I decided to go for rental accomodation. My boyfriend first agreed we should buy together with more of the portion put by me with my money but slowly and surely he has changed his mind and says we should keep things separate.He has a flat (holiday home) and a mortgage and pays his normals bills towards it. The moment I got the rented house he moved in with me and now 4 months later, he has not paid anything towards any of the bills although i has mentioned it to him at least every month. This is getting to me badly and has affected our relationship in a way that I feel very angry and upset about it all and making me very unhappy. He doesnt really interact with my kids and Im having to go from room to room to make sure they are ok. Going out as four is awkward cos I feel I have to pay and puts me off, so now doesnt happen much. When my son is with his dad and my daugther is out we used to go for meals but now doesnt happen at all. When we first dates we used to go out all the time and I paid and I although I loved his company would feel that it was not right.. he did pay some times but I felt bad for it too.. When he goes out with mates (not ofetn now) he splashes with champagne and shows off treating to all sorts of drinks.. When the odd times happens and he goes out with me.. Only drinks beer and its to a minimum. This too makes me feels that Im not worth it and feel hurt.All this is taking its toll and now has even affected our sex life since we have lived together and always making excuses so not to go down that route. Anyway... my main concern is that I want to make living together fair and we should both should contribute fairly to all so I suggested that he should pay a quarter of the bills and he came back saying he would pay 200 quid a month and that should include everything including food which I spend about 100 quid a week and the petrol for taking us to work ( since we moslty go in my car as its more economical than his) . My direct debits, food and petrol come to much more and I dont know how to handle the situation.. He says he's direct debits for his flat come to 200 quid less than mine and he thinks he's being fair. the fact is that a quarter of bills comes to 298 and does not include food and petrol... I get 30 quid a week from my daughter and its as much as I can expect given she doesnt earn much and Im happy that she keeps to her payments more than what he does. He doesnt help in the house expect for doing dishes now and again but when I go to his flat I do so much and I want to... incl decorating it etc as he is not a diy person and Im been right behind him trying to get him to get it nice ( he does pay for everything there )etc..but many a times when we go there.. Ive bought the food for the weekend. I feel I put a lot in our relartionship and struggle to keep them all happy but somehow feel he is being a little unreasonable.. Am I being unfair??? Am I wrong in thinking that? is it all me? I never had to deal with this sort of thing before as my ex husband and I shared accounts and had it all in one pot.Is what Im was used to for all my years. The other thing is that he really doesnt want to commit to marriage and its clear to me that he wants to keep his flat and our home separate where I want to feel that although financillay its HIS flat that both should be OUR homes and should not be made to feel Im just a visitor when I go there as Our home is made OUR home and I would have it other way. Pls can someone give me some opinions on this situation I find myself in. Thnaks for answers so far. and yeahh.. I believe in communication and working towards a relationship is vital. I have lost my self steem and respect through my divorce, you are completely right and he knows this. I have tried to speak to him about the whole situation a number of times and do feel in my bones that he doesnt want to commit and jokingly he said recently that he would not be with anyone who didnt have their own mortgage or finances. He stressed that it was important cos he valued and worked hard for his.. BTW he aim in life is to buy a ferrari he had a Noble before. I suppose that would tell me alot when he doesnt want to commit to build on our future even though he says he loves me. I fell in love with him cos we had soo much in common. He loved having fun and we did so much.. he brought out the old person and young person in me after my marriage and I really thought he was sent to me and we were meant to be. I sacrificed everything for us.

Public Comments

1. i think u should tell him how u feel good luck i had 3 kinds a boyfriends like that
2. It appears your bf has landed on a gold mine when he met you... He does what he does...because he CAN. This guy is never going to commit to you , he is just using you for everything he can get. You need to ask yourself a couple of questions ...If you had nothing at all ..would he be with you ? If you didn't have a job would he be with you? If you didn't have a home would you and your children be living in his home? He is a user , you are allowing him to treat you like this, because you are afraid of being alone, and your self esteem has gone down the drain. You are subsidising his life style...sure it's no wonder he can buy Champagne!!!!! keep another home, and still enjoy all the comforts of your home. Don't allow this to continue...find your pride, dignity, and self respect , then get him out of your life and your children's life....it's not fair on them , they should always come first in any relationship you may ...they should not have to go to another room in there own home...that is very sad.
3. My opinion is that he's your dependent, not your bf. I've never supported a man, they've always supported me. He really has got a goldmine in you. Did you ever think of not supporting him? I'll bet he'd be gone if you stopped.